grasping

Lately I've had a rush of memories just coming back to me. They've been refreshing at first - flashbacks of different moments of my life. Good memories, bad memories, I've been having the whole lot... and a lot of nostalgia along the way. But every memory that I have... something always bothers me... something's always missing... what is it?

I leave our apartment and walk along a path with my sister. We are walking to the convenience store to buy some candy. I have a few coins in my pocket, my sister has a tiny purse of coins. Maybe 2000 won in all, enough to buy a few pieces of candy.

We cross an alley. A large truck stopped just to our right. Cling! Clang! My sister drops her coins. Just four years old, she gets on her knees to pick them up. The truck starts moving.

Okay, stop. I can't recall the memory vividly. I remember most of the details, and I remember how I felt, but I can't actually feel the emotions that I felt at that time. I get frustrated, I am unable to remember that which makes the memory whole. I can't feel the panic, I can only know that I felt it. Watching a six-year old me in a black-and-white film. And I want to be the six-year-old me again.

It's been in my brain for twelve years, yet never have I really experienced that moment again. An almost haunting memory, an illusion that deceives me when it appears every now and then. And then there are the millions of other memories...

It's like reaching out to touch fog, to touch clouds. It seems so real and tangible, yet no matter how much I grasp I can never get at it. Just wisps. Sometimes I just wish I could re-experience my life over again. I want to know what I felt, I want to take a walk in my own shoes.

I'm wishing for too much.