Disillusionment, disenchantment, disappointment

It's a Monday. For most it would be the worst day of the week... for me it just feels like another day. No better, no worse, no different.

That's the general feeling that's been overwhelming me - and one of the only feelings that I have deeply felt in a while. These days I just feel... hollow, empty, even indifferent. I feel like everything I do, anything I do, is devoid of real happiness, real sadness, real anything. I might play Ultimate, do well on an exam or project, laugh at a joke, whatever. But these temporary feelings, I feel, are adding up to nothing. I'm sleepwalking through my life - weeks fly by, and I cannot point to any single event or anything that distinguished that week from any others. Where is the passion in everything, the real emotions, that I felt during my last year of high school, and during the summer?

Why is this happening? Maybe it's just that I don't have enough time to enjoy anything without worrying about that lab report or essay due the next day. Maybe it's just that I don't have many really close friends, just some good friends and some acquaintances - I don't share any deep connections with anyone here. Maybe it's the East Coast life... always busy, hectic. Maybe it's just life in the city. Or maybe it's just how college is... I don't quite know. Maybe my life is colorless. I do homework like a robot, go to bed at around 3, eat really bland and nasty food at the dining hall, think on a day-to-day basis only. But SOMEONE wake me up. Perhaps, in a metaphorical sense, my alarm clock died on me.

.....................

I joined our dorm's intramural men's volleyball team a few weeks ago. It's one of the things that actually brings me joy these days - even more so (much more so) than Ultimate right now. We are 1-1 against other dorms, and we have another game in a few hours. Ultimate is just drab these days. Our fields suck, my playing sucks as well, and I'm not in shape. All in all a very bad combination. Our last tournament got canceled due to poor field conditions.

And another thing I've noticed - I really miss Korea. Everything about it - people, culture, food, whatever... anything and everything I have come to associate with my experiences in Korea. I think I miss it more than Eugene, which is really a testament to how much I miss Korea, not how much I don't miss Eugene. Maybe it's that I haven't eaten enough Korean since I've been here.

Also, I'm getting this seething hatred of Princeton. Penn's biggest rival is Princeton, so you could say it's natural for me to get this feeling. Our football team beat their team this weekend 7-0, woot. Hey Princeton, what's so good about you anyways? The Princeton Review is located in your city, and they ranked you #1. How rigged is that??? Also, you are in NJ, which is basically the biggest petroleum- and chemical-refining wasteland in the country. And you are a bunch of stuck-up brats who think they're royalty... why don't you just change your name to "Kington"?

Whoa, I got carried away there.

I got to spend the weekend with my mom, when she came for Parents' Weekend. We didn't actually do too much - much of the time I was preoccupied with studying and homework. And we tried to watch the Duck game on TV (it was supposed to be broadcast nationally on ESPN), but our hotel decided to be an ass and didn't get ESPN at the time. So we walked over to my dorm and tried to watch it, but ESPN was showing a Cincy-South Florida game that no one cared about. So we missed the first 1.5 quarters of the Duck game. The East Coast really blows sometimes. But in any case, I get another visitor this week - James! I'll have to spend virtually every minute of every day this week doing homework and studying, but it's well worth it.

I think that's all I have to say. (Yeah I know... finally, right?) Sorry that I write so much, and I'm also sorry if my posts suck. But you gotta understand that this blog is the canvas on which I paint my life. Too bad it's bleeding black and gray.