Yeah!!!

Okay, so I got up this morning feeling rather crappy. The meds I took at 1:30 AM, after studying for a few hours, had a lingering drowsy feeling this morning. My eyes wouldn't stay open, and I was afraid I would fall asleep during my math midterm at 10.

Then I took some aspirin and drank a bunch of coffee, and almost arrived late for my midterm. I felt fine by the time the exam started, and blew right through my exam. (I wouldn't be too surprised if I got a 100!!!) Except I got really unstable - my hands started shaking near the end because of all the caffeine.

Then I speed-walked at 30 miles/hr to my biology lecture, where I learned something that makes me love biology.

Apparently, evolution plays a part in whether humans have dry or wet earwax. Almost all East Asians have dry earwax, whereas nearly all Africans and Caucasians have wet earwax. East Asians have evolved from having wet earwax to having dry earwax (and because evolution only happens if the trait that evolved gives an advantage in survival, dry earwax must help humans survive better. So eventually, all humans will have dry earwax.). That means that, in terms of earwax saturation, people like Ginny and James are primitive compared to me. Ha ha ha!

Ow!!!

I went to student health services today and I have a sinus infection... I just have massive a headache right now. Bleh.

grasping

Lately I've had a rush of memories just coming back to me. They've been refreshing at first - flashbacks of different moments of my life. Good memories, bad memories, I've been having the whole lot... and a lot of nostalgia along the way. But every memory that I have... something always bothers me... something's always missing... what is it?

I leave our apartment and walk along a path with my sister. We are walking to the convenience store to buy some candy. I have a few coins in my pocket, my sister has a tiny purse of coins. Maybe 2000 won in all, enough to buy a few pieces of candy.

We cross an alley. A large truck stopped just to our right. Cling! Clang! My sister drops her coins. Just four years old, she gets on her knees to pick them up. The truck starts moving.

Okay, stop. I can't recall the memory vividly. I remember most of the details, and I remember how I felt, but I can't actually feel the emotions that I felt at that time. I get frustrated, I am unable to remember that which makes the memory whole. I can't feel the panic, I can only know that I felt it. Watching a six-year old me in a black-and-white film. And I want to be the six-year-old me again.

It's been in my brain for twelve years, yet never have I really experienced that moment again. An almost haunting memory, an illusion that deceives me when it appears every now and then. And then there are the millions of other memories...

It's like reaching out to touch fog, to touch clouds. It seems so real and tangible, yet no matter how much I grasp I can never get at it. Just wisps. Sometimes I just wish I could re-experience my life over again. I want to know what I felt, I want to take a walk in my own shoes.

I'm wishing for too much.

James is here!

So James is now here, sleeping on my bed (while I study/use the computer). Yesterday we went to NYC. Saw Little Italy and Chinatown, Ground Zero, Wall Street, Times Square, Rockefeller Center and NYC's glamorous 5th Ave., Central Park, and the Statue of Liberty (from the Staten Island ferry). We opted to skip the Empire State Building, because we didn't have enough time. But the trip was pretty sweet.

The only thing is, the bus we took was sketch-tastic. It went from the Chinatown in Philly to the Chinatown in NYC... and they were really disorganized. We just barely found the place to board to head back to Philly... it was some random street corner in Chinatown. And they kept shouting at us to go on one bus, while some other people would tell us to get another bus... I almost had a heart attack. But anyways.

James and I are going to grab a Philly cheesesteak sometime later today.

Disillusionment, disenchantment, disappointment

It's a Monday. For most it would be the worst day of the week... for me it just feels like another day. No better, no worse, no different.

That's the general feeling that's been overwhelming me - and one of the only feelings that I have deeply felt in a while. These days I just feel... hollow, empty, even indifferent. I feel like everything I do, anything I do, is devoid of real happiness, real sadness, real anything. I might play Ultimate, do well on an exam or project, laugh at a joke, whatever. But these temporary feelings, I feel, are adding up to nothing. I'm sleepwalking through my life - weeks fly by, and I cannot point to any single event or anything that distinguished that week from any others. Where is the passion in everything, the real emotions, that I felt during my last year of high school, and during the summer?

Why is this happening? Maybe it's just that I don't have enough time to enjoy anything without worrying about that lab report or essay due the next day. Maybe it's just that I don't have many really close friends, just some good friends and some acquaintances - I don't share any deep connections with anyone here. Maybe it's the East Coast life... always busy, hectic. Maybe it's just life in the city. Or maybe it's just how college is... I don't quite know. Maybe my life is colorless. I do homework like a robot, go to bed at around 3, eat really bland and nasty food at the dining hall, think on a day-to-day basis only. But SOMEONE wake me up. Perhaps, in a metaphorical sense, my alarm clock died on me.

.....................

I joined our dorm's intramural men's volleyball team a few weeks ago. It's one of the things that actually brings me joy these days - even more so (much more so) than Ultimate right now. We are 1-1 against other dorms, and we have another game in a few hours. Ultimate is just drab these days. Our fields suck, my playing sucks as well, and I'm not in shape. All in all a very bad combination. Our last tournament got canceled due to poor field conditions.

And another thing I've noticed - I really miss Korea. Everything about it - people, culture, food, whatever... anything and everything I have come to associate with my experiences in Korea. I think I miss it more than Eugene, which is really a testament to how much I miss Korea, not how much I don't miss Eugene. Maybe it's that I haven't eaten enough Korean since I've been here.

Also, I'm getting this seething hatred of Princeton. Penn's biggest rival is Princeton, so you could say it's natural for me to get this feeling. Our football team beat their team this weekend 7-0, woot. Hey Princeton, what's so good about you anyways? The Princeton Review is located in your city, and they ranked you #1. How rigged is that??? Also, you are in NJ, which is basically the biggest petroleum- and chemical-refining wasteland in the country. And you are a bunch of stuck-up brats who think they're royalty... why don't you just change your name to "Kington"?

Whoa, I got carried away there.

I got to spend the weekend with my mom, when she came for Parents' Weekend. We didn't actually do too much - much of the time I was preoccupied with studying and homework. And we tried to watch the Duck game on TV (it was supposed to be broadcast nationally on ESPN), but our hotel decided to be an ass and didn't get ESPN at the time. So we walked over to my dorm and tried to watch it, but ESPN was showing a Cincy-South Florida game that no one cared about. So we missed the first 1.5 quarters of the Duck game. The East Coast really blows sometimes. But in any case, I get another visitor this week - James! I'll have to spend virtually every minute of every day this week doing homework and studying, but it's well worth it.

I think that's all I have to say. (Yeah I know... finally, right?) Sorry that I write so much, and I'm also sorry if my posts suck. But you gotta understand that this blog is the canvas on which I paint my life. Too bad it's bleeding black and gray.